James
I experienced an epileptic seizure in the early morning of May 27th, 2007. I had been at my girlfriend's home in Memphis, Indiana for our graduation from Indiana University party and get together.
We had been drinking beer and playing yard games the night before (May 26th) and finally settled into bed around 3:00am for a night's rest. Everything was fine throughout the night and we all woke up late in the day the 27th - around 12:30pm or 1:00pm to get the day started.
I had still been a smoker in that time as well as my friend and former roommate, and the three of us stepped outside to have a cigarette.
I sat down in the lawn chair outdoors and lit my lighter. The next thing I remember was my consciousness returning while lying on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance. I had no idea what had happened and incredibly confused, I began to fight the paramedics assisting me until I heard my girlfriend's voice telling me that they were trying to help me and to calm down. I looked around in all of the commotion and finally looked to the passenger seat of the ambulance to find her staring at me and sobbing uncontrollably with a terrified look on her face. I had no idea what was happening, but smiled at her long enough to see her attempt to force a tiny smile, and then returned to watching in horror as the paramedics inserted an IV drip into my arm and tether me into the stretcher.
We arrived at the local hospital in Louisville, KY and I was placed in a large room with many patients separated by hanging sheets. There were probably about 30 patients in the room altogether. The woman in the bed next to me had a worsening condition that required her to scream in pain all day and all night until she was moved from the room around 4:30am. This did not aid my emotional stability or patience as well as that of my girlfriend. I was finally able to sleep for a few hours before I was awoken by the nurse presenting me a brownie with a candle on top as this was now my 24th birthday. This was by far the WORST birthday I had experienced in my then 24 years of being alive.
When all was said and done, I returned to my home in Highland Park, Illinois where I visited a neurologist with a walking cane named Dr. Groothouis who referred to himself as "Dr. House" as in the now popular television medical series "House". After undergoing many neurological tests and procedures, I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and prescribed 400mg of Dilantin daily to alleviate my symptoms and to prevent any future seizures.
Prior to the above mentioned incident, I had experienced multiple focal seizures while living in Bloomington at Indiana University. These were brief moments (from 20 seconds to about 90 seconds) where I would lose all concentration, my ability to speak, and even my ability to think a single clear thought. I did not know what to make of these episodes and before I knew it they had become more and more frequent, happening once every couple of days before that day in May.
Since then, I have had no repeats of any of these symptoms and live in constant fear everyday that I might have another sudden attack out of the blue. I understand that the medication I am taking is produced to prevent re-occurrences of such an episode which eases my mind and worries slightly. The part of the whole ordeal that is really ever-present in my mind is the fact that this seizure took place in the right temporal lobe of my brain. This part of the brain is generally associated with memory and ambition and since then, the majority of my memories have faded and my levels of apathy have sky-rocketed.
I have a best friend since pre-school who I enjoy hanging out with constantly. We have gone to the same schools consistently since then up until and including college. I have shared many, many memories with him my entire life and since my seizure, I have forgotten nearly all of them. He will bring up an event we shared together from our past and it strikes me as emotionally impossible to overcome the fact that I do not recall what he is speaking about nearly 80% of the time. Besides that, I have since forgotten nearly all of the memories from my childhood regarding my friends, my relationships, my education and ultimately my family and am having an increasingly difficult time attempting to cope with the situation altogether.
I do not remember my first kiss, my vacations, my trips abroad, my pets, etc. Coinciding with this, I am also realizing that my short-term memory is continuing to fail me as I cannot remember some things I did the week before, the day before and sometimes even 10 minutes before. This becomes frustrating for me and for my family, co-workers, and my girlfriend who ultimately saved me that day by calling 911.
I have felt many times that I am a failure in many things I do and attempt now due to my medical condition. I understand I am not to blame for these mishaps and for my lack of concentration, memory and assertiveness, but I cannot help but feel as though I am letting those around me down in a major way.
I do not want to sound as if I am the only one who has experienced anything like this. I guess I just wanted to have someone in the epileptic community hear what I have gone through and possibly be able to relate and/or offer any advice they might have.
More than two years have now passed since that day in May, and as the time has gone by, I have been able to come to terms with my condition, accept it, and even embrace it as a part of who I am as a person, friend and colleague. While I know I will continue to struggle with the effects of Epilepsy, I have researched the condition and now understand many of its aspects and intricacies, allowing me to justify the precautions I will need to take in the future. Yet what I have really taken away from the whole experience is that I am now part of a community – an understanding and sympathetic community – who are all in this situation together.
While there is currently no known cure for Epilepsy, belonging to a society of more than 3 million people affected by it has awarded me a great sense of hope and even pride. To know that we are not alone in dealing with this condition should provide those directly and indirectly involved with the same comfort and hope that there is support out there and many, many people who can relate to what we have experienced are currently experiencing and will continue to experience in the future.
James
« back
